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Tesco Aberdeen Angus steak and onion slices, £1.26

[tesco aberdeen angus steak and onion slices] Now, we're sure some of you are thinking, "This pie-man lark is the life of Riley, isn't it? Marc Riley, in fact, given the huge amount of Lard involved. It's all sex, drugs and sausage rolls - seducing supermodels with gifts of mince and onion, buying lavish houses with integral pastry boards, jet-setting around the world on a tidal wave of tasty fillings. Where's the suffering for your art? Why haven't you cut off your ears yet?"

Well, dear reader, at least some of the suffering is here. We don't just scoff the tasty pies, we take it upon ourselves to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageously mediocre baked produce on your behalf. Hence our recent visit to Tesco to try their Aberdeen Angus steak and onion slices.

Now, let's be fair. When you try one of these supermarket pasty things, it's unfair to expect perfection. They're probably manufactured by the thousand on an assembly line that also churns out rubber grommets and plastic toy horses or something.

But equally, we didn't expect the things to be laced with thousands of visible grains of bright red chilled lard. And if the meat was indeed Aberdeen Angus steak, then we can only say it was a damned good job it ended up minced in a pasty, because if meat of this quality had been served to someone as a steak there might have been legal proceedings in fairly short order.

You get the picture. These things are edible, but after scoffing them down we felt rather as if we had been experimented on with chemicals. An impression that grew and turned into mild terror when we read the ingredients list.

Score: 2.7 out of 10