Now, we realise that to the untutored eye it may appear as if we have been sitting on our pastry-fattened arses for three weeks here at pie-man towers. Ah, how easily the old ocular organs can be deceived. In fact, it makes us wonder about the accuracy of those retinal scan things. If your eyes can be bamboozled by a picture of a vase that might be two faces, then surely the high-security establishments of this fair isle are under threat from invaders with fake eyes. Like Kermit the Frog or 'Weird Al' Yankovic.

Moving swiftly on... Behind this facade of flaccid lifelessness, we have been hard at work on the non-virtual side of things. Yes, granted, some of that entails sitting around eating pies. But we've also been arranging to have our fine, fine t-shirts manufactured, and organising a means by which you can pay for them.

Yes, folks, in short order we'll be able to accept debit cards online, all thanks to the miracle of science. You'll type in your card number and a load of bearded chaps in lab coats will transfer your money to us by boiling gaudily coloured solutions in round-bottomed flasks. At least that's how we understand it works.

On reflection, maybe we'll go and have another look at the small print.